untitled.

watching you go isn't an easy thing to do.

even though i know it's not forever.

i fear it could be.

that you'll never come back.

i shouldn't fear that but it's hard not to when every other time, you've walked out and you don't come back.

i love you so much and if you were to walk about again i wouldn't know what to do.

sitting in my window missing you already when you just barely left.

i know it's not like we're broken up, you're just moving out. 

but it's still hard. 

i can barley sleep without you.

i don't even want to breathe without you let alone not be by you.

waking up to you not being there is hard.

rolling over in the middle of the night and not feeling you there kills me.

i miss you baby.

and i hope your not walking out for good.

i just hope that you come back even though we can't live together.

trust me i hate this as much as you do, well as much as i think you do. 

i'm going to try to sleep now, but without you here it's going to be hard...

without you holding me at night, without you to wake up to in the morning to. 

but who knows this might help our relationship grow. 

i really hope it does. 

well goodnight babe wherever you are i hope you know i love you and wish you were here tonight.

-Sharon June.

skinny bitch.

i saw a book with the title to that the other day and it got me thinking about society and how fucked up it is now a days.

how does one have confidence in them self when they can't even look in the mirror without being disgusted by the way they look?

now a days all girls wanna be like stick figure bitches. 

i don't get it.

i thought you'd at least want some curve, no people look at my body and they're like wow she's fat.

society now a days is so fucked up. 

ya know back in the day the bigger you were the more beautiful you were and well off. 

i think it's so funni that no a days it's like yerr more beautiful when you look like you haven't eaten in days.

it's ridiculous. 

most girls now are so self conscious because it's like oh if yerr not skinny like all the actresses and model's then you're not beautiful. 

fuck that!

there is more to beauty then jusst the outside. 

i'm so done with ppl telling other ppl they should diet and they should try to loose weight.

it's bullshit.

i mean i even fall for this bullshit all the time, how are we girls suppose to be happi with our bodies when everyone around us and the media is shoving it down our throats that we have to skinnier than we are.

i have had an eating disorder because of this stupid sheet. 

it makes you feel ugly, fat, and dumb. 

and like you'll never get any guy...

when we shouldn't listen to the media but us girls do do that. 

it's not even just girls it's guys too. 

it's ridiculous!

i hate media sometimes because of this reason alone.

i have sat there and said it to myself that i'm just a fat dumb ugly person. 

when i'm not. 

i'm just letting the media and all these ppl in the world now get to me because they're stick skinny and i'm not. i have curves. 

but you know what i'd rather have curves then be some girl who looks like she hasn't eaten in days... somedays. 

some other days i really don't want to be the size that i am. 

i don't even want to look at myself. 

but maybe thats because of all you ppl outt there that do this to us. 

and it's not fair. 

i mean diet sure whatever but don't destroy yerr body becasue you want a boy to like you more, er because you want to look like the girls in the magzines now a days. no. 

i'd rather be like the old models's like betty page. she had curves and she was still a beautiful women. [:
i know i still have issues with my body and you know what thats perfectly normal, when i start doing something drastic to change my body thats when it's a problem. 

that my two cents on this stupid topic. [:

thank you for reading.

proved wrong...

i guess i was wrong about you loving me as much as i love you.

i thought you were the one that i was going to grow old with...

you were the one that made me feel on top of the world the one that could make me smile no matter what..

i guess not no more.

i guess i've seen your true colors. 

i guess all along it was all a game to you.

i hope you know that you have broken my heart for the last time that you have destroyed me once again.

i wish i could hate you, i wish i could fix this...

it sucks to know the one that holds my heart doesn't want it... 

the one that i built my bridge around tore it down.

i wish you loved me as much as i love you..

the part that kills me the most is that your laughing and not caring while i'm crying and dying inside...

-Sharon June

the best wayy i can explain exactly how i feel right now besides this is the song by bruno mars...

i jusst hope i'm wrong...

Grenade-Bruno Mars

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you're a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

in love...

"theres someone out there for everyone you just have to find the one thats hand matches perfect with your heart" 

-Sharon June

i don't know if youu ever have found that person that makes youu feel more alive then ever,

more gorgeous when you're not all dressed up then when you are,

more beautiful then when your not wearing makeup then when you are,

that makes youu happyy when all youu really wanna do is cryy,

that makes youu feel more special then anyone in the world,

that jusst has the way of making you feel like yerr superman and can do anything and they are likke your kryptonite. 

but i sure have.

 his name is javon loren wyatt. [: <3

i wanna be with him until the end of time. 

he makes me feel so alive, i can't explain it.

there is not anyone in the world i'd rather be with not at all.

i thought that it was time for goodbyes but i was surely mistaken.

i was jusst afriad of being hurrt again and loosing him once again. 

loosing someone youu trulyy care for is not an easy thing to do not at all.

youu havve to find that person that will make youu feel as if youu are on the top of the world, all it takes is patience and time. :D

and trust me it's def worth the wait. 

being in love is the besst feeling in the worldd i hope i never ever loose it, because unfortunately some ppl do.

i.don't.know if me and him are destined to be together. but if we're not then fuck destiny. [: 

lol.

but i love you javon loren wyatt so much. <3

i'd scream it from the roof tops and show everyone how much you mean to me. 

because, i'm in love with you and nothing is or will ever change that. [:

murder mystery dinner. [:

So last night me, my mom, my sister crystal, and my church went to a murder mystery dinner. [:

it was soo much funn. it was like playing clue but acting it out. 

all the cast was so much funn.

• Don: the godfather.
• Trixxie: the wife of Don the godfather also the whore of the cast.
• Harry the lip: don's cousin and the one who's hated by everyone.
• Finggers: Don's No. 2 and the groom also the guy that gets killed.
• Bunny: the bride and dumb bimbo blonde also a stripper.
• Carla: the mother of the bride and thief of the cast also murder.
• Detective Clawsap: the frenchy detective and my personal favorite. [:

we all had so much funn it was at spagetti mama's up in salt lake and my mother figured out the killer before we even knew the story purdy awesome huh? [:

the food was pretty yummi also. 

Don flirted with my sister crystal the whole time which we thought was funni because he was an old man. haha. he kept telling her to not leave nowhere and grabing her arm. haha.

crystal got to be part of the show we all had to go up all the laddies at the dinner and try to catch the bouqet of the bride and crystal and me both caught it crystal more than me. and then some guy had to put the gaurder on her thigh. haha. [: it was funni. we all had so much funn.

Detective Clawsap flirted with me like crazy it was okay cause i loved it. haha. me and crystal took a pic with him and he let me hold his cuffs and crystal hold his gun. [;

see :D 

so much funn.

anyways it's at spaggetti mama's up in salt lake if you get a chance to go then def go. [:

trust me it will be well worth the drive and the money. it is kinda pricey though.  

courage.

yesterday i realized something about myself.

i let soo many ppl walkk all over me, hurt me, abuse my friendship, and betray me and i just ignore it.

well i decided today is the day i stand up for myself! 

i know that sound kinda like wft. you shoulda been standing up ferr yerrself years ago, how old are you. 

yea i know and i'm dumb. and i guess it's because i'm exactly like my mother. we trust ppl wayy to easily and we let ppl we care about walk all over us because we feel likke if we don't help them or that if we don't do what they askk we'll be the bad person. . . i guess i jusst got too much a bigg heart to be likke fuckk youu and yerr a bitch.

well ya know what not no more! 

i am taking a stand. 

i'm not gonna let ppl push me around anymore.

i'm not gonna let ppl in and shut down and let them take over my life, and how i feel.

i'm not going to let them put things into my head that aren't real because you know what, i believe in myself and if thats all i have now then i guess thats all i need. i know my friends like bri and kristen and ruby and david all believe me. and ilove them so much for that and of course alex. but everyone else lately can go fuckk off. 

i am going to live my life how i want to and if that means smoking pot evey now and again than i'm going to.

if that means being with my boyfriend javon that i'm going to. 

i love javon and i don't give a fuckk about what anyone anymore has to say because i believe in myself and believe that we are going to be together ferr quit some time. 

and another thing, ppl outt there have been telling me i'm not gonna make it and i'm not going to amount to anything. well fuck you all. i will show you that i'm going to make something out of myself and prove all of you wrong. yea this post is kinda a angry one but you know what i'm saying exactly how i feel because i am an honest person.

the other day i got told by a family memeber of mine that i'm disappointment they are ashemd to live with they are ashmed to call me their own, and ya know what i don't need anyone to believe in me, it would nice but i'm going to prove him wrong that i'm not like everyone else and i'm going to show him that i am and i will be successful in my life because i believe in myself. 

the only ppl i truly believe believe in me in my family anymore is my sister and my mom. that is about it. they are truly the only ones.. . that hurst me to say but that is how i feel. 

one day i will show you all how much you are so wrong! 

that i'm not like the rest of this family. i'm going to show you that i'm going to make something out of myself and i will not i will not let myself thinkk that i'm going to end up on the streets pregnant or out of a job with no education but you know what i believe what my grandpa use to tell me about everyday when he was still here on this earth and that was. baby girl always believe in yourself and know you can and will do anything i believe in you and that will never change. well grandpa i miss you. i wish i had that again where you could tell me that you were proud of me... 

Grandpa, I love you, you have taught me a very valuable lesson and that is to have courage in myself and you know what now i finally do. Grandpa i can't wait till that dayy when i see you again in heaven and we are sitting beside Jesus and you are telling me that you are so proud of how i lived my life and hugg me jusst likke when i was a little girl....

papa i miss youu so much. and this blog that i have wrote is dedicated to you because if it wasn't for you and my mommi and sister i wouldn't have the courage i do now in myself. i love you 3 so very much. you have made me stronger.

i jusst wanna go backk to when i was a little girl and everyone was all so happy... :/

Saw 3D! :D

So yetsterdayy mee, myy boyfriend javon, and my brother went and seen Saw 3D! 

one of the best by far in my opinion, had the craziest fucking twist. and sure as fuckk was grizzly as javon says. :p grizzly: beyond gory  

i gott to sayy though the best part was pretending to be scared so he'd hold me. :D 

so if you haven't seen it youu really should. 

unless yerr pussy and will puke in the theater er are jusst to pussy to go see it. [:

haha. my friend maria was there. we didn't like plan to hangoutt there, she was jusst there. but she almost puked on me likke 5 times, but it's okayy i freakking love maria. she is uhhmazing. [:

i got to sayy though that fuckking doll scares they sheet outta me still to this dayy. it is jusst so scary. idk what it is about it but it's kinda freakky...

i mean look at it! it's freakkyy don't ya thinkk?

anywayz. if you haven't see it....

GO SEE IT.

GAME OVER. [: